Before the Worst...

Sometimes I wish I could take it ALL back…the staying up all night learning everything there was to know about each other, looking into each other’s eyes telling each other that we would be together forever, meeting each other’s families, becoming a part of each other’s life, and making promises that we clearly are not keeping. I wish I could take it all back because then the worst would not have happened. You wouldn’t have broken my heart and shattered my world before my very eyes. How could something so right, turn out to be so wrong?
Six months ago, the then, “love of my life” said the words no person wants to hear, “This is just not going to work”. I went through every emotion. At first I was in denial-I told myself he would come crawling back and realize what a mistake he had made. Then I was sad and depressed-I remember driving for hours thinking if I drove fast enough into the car in front of me, I could end the pain I was in. Then I was pissed-How could this be happening to me? I hated him with all my heart. Then we tried being friends-I realized at that time that a friendship would just be too hard. And I honestly never stopped hating him for shattering my heart. I wasn’t mad at him, specifically, for breaking my heart. I was furious that I gave him the power to do so.
A couple months ago, I swore to myself, I would NEVER again fall in love, and give someone the power to hurt me. I convinced myself that I would be ok alone—better off alone! However, a couple weeks ago that all changed…it all changed when I realized he didn’t break my heart—he saved my life. He never wanted what I wanted. He was never in it for the long haul. He never wanted to be with me forever. I realized that it all went so unbelievably wrong because it was never right. It was never suppose to be. How do you thank someone you hated so much, for saving your life? You don’t! Or I don’t anyways. I just move on.
One day I will love again…or I believe I will love again. However, next time I will be bulletproof! My eyes will be wide open!—I will not be blinded by love. But most importantly, I will move on!