Feels Like Home…

If you only knew how lonely my life has been…
I remember it like it was yesterday, the day that my best friend Jessica and I put the last bit of luggage into my car and we drove off to Utah. At that time it was bitter-sweet. I knew I would miss my family, but I honestly didn’t feel like a part of that family. I left that day with great intentions of changing my life for the better, and starting a new life in Utah. About a week later I was so unbelievably homesick. I was shocked! But I soon got over that. I fell in love twice in Utah. Justin was first. It’s hilarious now that I thought that relationship would work out. No disrespect to him at all, but I was scratching an itch. I wanted to be married so bad. I wanted to start my own family; a family that I knew I was a part of it because I created it. But any of you who knew mine and Justin’s relationship know that it would have never worked. (and to all my friends who warned me to get out-thank you for caring about me-sorry I didn’t take your advice sooner). But it was totally one of those things that I had to learn for myself and by myself. Then there were some other guys in between, that after two-three dates I was over it. Then I met Ryan. I thought I had found him—you know, that guy that was created just for you! He was it. We were so a like it was ridiculous. After 5 days of knowing each other; we were in love and in a serious relationship. After month one, we were already talking marriage. The sad thing is, it didn’t seem fast or rushed…it just seemed perfect. However Tawnie’s luck shined through on this one—if you read my previous post you know the story. It’s really sad how you can go from being the happiest you have ever been in your entire life, to the most depressed you have ever been in your life. Once again…I was alone. I had no one.
After three incredibly eventful years in Utah—I moved home! Back to California. Back to that family that I had left to start my own. Nothing worked out as I planned (for those of you who know me, nothing ever seems to work out the way I plan lol). I never thought this is what my life would be like at age 23. I have been really upset and so depressed with where my life recently. Until it hit me today, this is exactly where I need to be. I need to be at home, with my family. Not because I am immature and scared to live on my own, but because I always took my family for granted. I never gave them the respect that they deserved and always gave me. I need to be at home so I can experience “the family” I always wanted and always had, but never knew I had. We bicker and fight and make fun of each other beyond belief; however when it comes to defending any one of each other to the outside world, we are always there. We would do anything for each other, and we love each other with all of our hearts.
For the first time ever, home-Feels like home to me!

Thank you to my incredible family! I love you!

Before the Worst...

Sometimes I wish I could take it ALL back…the staying up all night learning everything there was to know about each other, looking into each other’s eyes telling each other that we would be together forever, meeting each other’s families, becoming a part of each other’s life, and making promises that we clearly are not keeping. I wish I could take it all back because then the worst would not have happened. You wouldn’t have broken my heart and shattered my world before my very eyes. How could something so right, turn out to be so wrong?
Six months ago, the then, “love of my life” said the words no person wants to hear, “This is just not going to work”. I went through every emotion. At first I was in denial-I told myself he would come crawling back and realize what a mistake he had made. Then I was sad and depressed-I remember driving for hours thinking if I drove fast enough into the car in front of me, I could end the pain I was in. Then I was pissed-How could this be happening to me? I hated him with all my heart. Then we tried being friends-I realized at that time that a friendship would just be too hard. And I honestly never stopped hating him for shattering my heart. I wasn’t mad at him, specifically, for breaking my heart. I was furious that I gave him the power to do so.
A couple months ago, I swore to myself, I would NEVER again fall in love, and give someone the power to hurt me. I convinced myself that I would be ok alone—better off alone! However, a couple weeks ago that all changed…it all changed when I realized he didn’t break my heart—he saved my life. He never wanted what I wanted. He was never in it for the long haul. He never wanted to be with me forever. I realized that it all went so unbelievably wrong because it was never right. It was never suppose to be. How do you thank someone you hated so much, for saving your life? You don’t! Or I don’t anyways. I just move on.
One day I will love again…or I believe I will love again. However, next time I will be bulletproof! My eyes will be wide open!—I will not be blinded by love. But most importantly, I will move on!

LIFE IS SOOOO FUNNY!!! It's freakin hilarious that something in your life falls apart...you're heart broken...you have no idea how your life can go on. Then some time goes by and you realize everything is better as is, and that EVERYTHING happens for a reason!! That my friends is what keeps me going...

So many things have happened in my life that I have not documented, but really wish I had. So I decided to start a blog...plus it seems to be the "cool" thing to do.

For those of you who don't know me, My name is Tawnie Brooke Johnson. I was born and raised in Southern California. I have great parents Craig and Kimber, and I also have four younger brothers; Cory, Kyle, Kodey, and Tyler. It's fun now that we are older and all get along. Three years and five months ago I got REALLY tired of my life, and made the decision to move to Utah. In Utah, I feel like that is when my life really began; I lived on my own, I fell in love, I made everlasting friendships, and I realized what was truely important in my life. Pre-Utah I was a mess (I was a mess in Utah too, but at least I learned in Utah haha), I didn't know what I wanted out of life, I took EVERYTHING for granted, and I didn't appreciate my life at all. I had a lot of very dark moments, that shock the hell out of me that I made it through. Needless to say in Utah I learned a lot about myself and grew up! The last thing I want to do is dwell on the past, so I won't mention anymore about it. Today is a new day and the first day of the rest of my life...

...I look forward to sharing it with anyone who wants to read! :)

P.S. Today is a gift...treasure it!